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Wednesday, March 3, 2010

What's Your Number?

My great nephew introduced himself by saying his full name and then his age, three. He then asked "What's your number?" I'm not sure the whole concept of age or even time has fully formed in the boy yet, so I'll write a note for him to read sometime in the future.

Dear Vaughn,

By the time you read this you will be much older than three, and may even be interested in girls at least as much as you are today in Thomas the Train. If so, here are some important pointers from early in the 21st century, from your great (and also "great") aunt.

Keeping the attention and affection of a member of the fair sex will require learning to look deeply, quietly and longingly into the eyes of your beloved, taking out the trash when you would rather be competing in the current version of men's most popular video war games, going shopping with her on occasion, and doing your share of cleaning up around the space station.

There is one thing that you must remember, Vaughn, no matter how curious you may be, and that is to never ask her about her numbers. Women, by nature, love to share, but a woman's numbers are hers to keep private. Her age, weight, height, shoe size, pants size, her score on the Bo Derek 1-10 scale, her GRE score, credit score, all delightfully full of data, but data that is designed for her eyes only.

Vaughn, the best reward for keeping mum with women about numbers is that you too will have the option of keeping quiet about your numbers: age, height, weight, IQ scores, romantic conquests, golf handicap, etc. Keeping these to yourself, ironically, serves to increase your own score in the muy importante rating system women keep for their lovers: the trust and confidence scale. This all important scale is built over time, with equal parts understanding, patience, affirming smiles and deep, quiet longing gazes into the eyes of one's beloved. Exactly how you currently feel about Thomas the Train, but infinitely more fun. You'll see what I mean.

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