No Patriarchy? No problem.

Today the Los Angeles Times reported on toxic masculinity.

Always the late bloomer, I've just realized that I've lived all of my life, save for the first three years, without a father and thus, outside of the standard, mainstream brand, under-the-nose patriarchy. 

My dad died on my third birthday. I'm told I was the light of his life and that I was a very happy baby girl. What his loss meant for me was clear from the start: I missed out immeasurably from his absence. I lacked his approval and affection, his support in all manner of experiences. Perhaps the most important was the hole he left in our family, leaving us without  a counterbalance to my mother, left alone to juggle roles of widow, mother of five children. Mama was thrust into a role of leadership that her traditional Mexican culture had sorely under-prepared her for, providing her with sewing instead of school lessons. 

What hadn't been clear to me were what advantages came with being brought up fatherless. From my earliest memories, I grew up in a tribe full of brothers, neighbors and uncles, who I studied carefully, learning about their strengths, weaknesses and character. Think of the church and its teachings then add in the mostly manly representations in movies and TV and my heaping plate of male culture was lacking nothing. On the other side of the equation, there were the amazing teachers --all nuns or old-school women teachers that I had until high school. And, back at home, on the main stage, my mother's example, keeping it together for the family despite many, many challenges. My lone and imperfect parent, who for better or worse always knocked herself out for us was my biggest teacher. And she taught me a gal did not need a man to do what needed doing in this world.


1. Go Your Own Way. You may as well follow your bliss. The regular rules do not apply in the absence of a husband and dad.  Outside, the patriarchal culture sits like a fog bank safely outside your living room window, but inside, the coast is clear. Keep building the world you want to live in.

2.  No patriarchy, no problem.  My own agency and accountability served me more than being dependent on approval stamped legitimate by tradition, society or culture.