We have to dare to be ourselves however frightening or strange that self may prove to be--May Sarton

This pandemic, however it plays out, has its purposes. For one, it is a perfect PAUSE button. 

The rhythms of my day-to-day are different now and allow for more introspection and wonder. I’m grateful to be here, even in this temporarily off-its-kilter time for our planet. 

I took a dive into a closet full of old photo albums yesterday looking for images of me as a journalist in the 1970's and 80's. That was an era in communication when a bulletin board and a typewriter were what passed for the internet. 

I sped through maybe a thousand photos of me in my teens, college years and early career. When I returned the albums to the closet I felt like an astronaut getting used to walking on land again. I had been further than to the moon and back in my time travel. 

I remembered the tender blooming of my life and the many loves and adventures. I also remembered the painful awkwardness I needlessly carried like an Egyptian mummy grafted on my shoulder.

Seeing all those photos of me shook me to the core because they reminded me of how hard I used to be on me. I spent a large portion of my life being de pelea con el mundo --always in a boxing ring, at odds with everyone and myself.  

I didn't fit in being who I was, how I looked, who I loved, where I came from, and the fact that I have a non-standard issue last name. Of course, I wasn't in this battle alone. The less-diverse white/hetero mainstream media played an uninvited speaking role inside my head. 

I certainly will not multiply the meanness by being mad at myself in the present for being mean to myself in the past.  I know that is not a good course to follow. So, I have learned a few things! 

I was in fact kind of cute! Intense and bubbling over with anxiety and angst of all varieties, but cute nonetheless. 

More importantly, I see with the compassion acquired with age that I was doing the best that I could, given what I knew and the tools that I had at the time. 

I’m proud to say I pushed through most fears and moved forward. Like everyone I made some mistakes and moved backwards at times, but overall I feel it’s been a great ride and I hope I can still keep writing, growing, creating, sharing for many years to come. 

Seeing all those pictures I think of all the cups of coffee, glasses of iced tea, and margaritas I’ve shared and all the lives that I crossed paths with on the dance floor, on the therapy couch, in the hallways at the college. I’m thankful for it all. 

I pray, for all the positives I'm capable of pulling from this pinche pandemic, that it peters out pronto. I want to hit the PLAY button again, and have our lives return back to school, work, worship the way we lived before, taking all the lessons and wisdom from these off-kilter times with us.