Choose Your Superpower

Three of us are about to pounce on a beautiful turkey at Thanksgiving when a text arrives from a young friend. At her dinner table across the country, the question her Thanksgiving Day companions are considering, perhaps in order to avoid controversy, is "Which one of these superpowers would you choose, invisibility or flying?" We three answered in unison, "Flying, of course. We are women of a certain age, and are already invisible!"

As a superpower, invisibility has its attractions but also its drawbacks. It's like a car without a steering wheel. You  don't select when to be visible or not. Like beauty, invisibility is in the eye of the beholder. You don't know when you've suddenly turned invisible, but, like obscenity, you recognize it when it happens to you. 

The day before, I was the last patient for the staff at a health clinic before a four-day holiday. The dazzlingly beautiful, 35-year old dermatologist I had come to visit for the second time swept into the room where I had been brought to wait. She asked good, detailed questions about my skin issues and attended me with extra care and enthusiasm. Before she finished, I showed her the new spots on my cheek that keep showing up to remind me of sun-worshiping days long ago.

In retrospect, I see that I started what would later became a problem. I said to the doctor that surprises like those age spots, wrinkles, and delayed metabolism remind me of the  Bette Davis quote, "Old age is not for sissies." 

She turned and looked right through me, she responded in a slightly reprimanding and condescending tone, "You have a lot to be thankful for!" I naturally responded, "Yes, of course. You're right."  

I was, after all, in to see the dermatologist for mundane repairs, not battlefield scars, leprosy or another serious malady. I was still trying to understand her way of  speaking past me,  averting looking me in the eyes.  It was then that I remembered a 93-year old friend's disdain for being reduced to a "sweetie" or "honey" by store clerks or health professionals. 

After the drive home and the requisite 2-3 hours delay for witty comebacks expired, I realized that the doctor had done to me what I had done at her age to older people I knew. She assumed, as I had during my days as a dazzler, that feeling strong, self-possessed and nearly immortal with energy would be everlasting. Aging changes that, but no one admits it until they are forced to. I imagined responding to the doctor, "You don't know the first thing about me. How would you know what I do or don't have to be thankful for?" 

Some of the superpowers the aging enjoy, besides eventually hitting on a good way to answer dumb statements, are finding that your wisdom expands your sense of life, joy and learning. Which superpower would you choose? Invisibility or flying? How about ditching the need to be a people pleaser? Saying what's really on your mind?  Others?

Ten Reasons John Leguizamo is a Latin Hero and Everyone Needs To See His Netflix Show

Ten Reasons John Leguizamo is a Latin Hero and Everyone Needs To See His Netflix Show

1. He not only loves his family, he busts out all the stops a Dad can to help his kids thrive.
2. He explains history in a way I wish my history professors had at least tried to do.
3. He is no-holds-barred ambitious and wide-reaching in the task he accomplishes.
4. He accomplishes his task with the conflict, tension and energy that good story-telling requires.
5. He is Terco como una mula --  stubborn as a mule in his resolve to finish his quest
6. He kept his impossible last name, thus demonstrating real character in an era and industry of Barbie and Ken that he refused to let change him.
7. He walks around on stage in red--bright red--tightie undies. Kind of unforgettable.
8. He condenses 10,000 years of history in a tidy, Mr. Kotter meets Noam Chomskly Netflix comedy performance.
9. He reminds us that talent like his just improves with age.
10. He dances tango, cumbia, reggaeton, and hip hop. Well!

An Astronaut in Aztlan

When Procter and Gamble, the soap manufacturer attempts to reverse engineer a natural soap, the results are like Frankenstein's monster,  neither pretty nor natural. In a strange way the results may be just as "wrong" when a person possibly past their prime goes fiddling with their identity. It may be too late! It is justified to ask, is there any point in it at this stage in life? But isn't the point of identity to move forward with a stronger sense of self? There is no expiration date on that. Reflecting back for the sake of inquiry alone is valid reason enough. Add to that, I'm alive and looking forward to being so for years to come. 

So assuming most of us have read Catcher in the Rye and if not, get to it! Here come some  ideas from a latter-day Holden Caulfield who moved far, far south and became me.

In the case of our original, 20th century Holden Caulfield, consider how he came to be, born in the world of publishing and becoming the unwitting poster boy for the predominant point of view that spread from books across America for decades: New York-centric and WASP. 

Thus, the weight of geography played a disproportionate role in defining the American experience. No one planned it that way. It was not a conspiracy, but the effects were such that one region's stories and storytellers came to be valued over others for no other reason than proximity to publishing houses. The same resulted from magazines, radio, TV and films, which formed the foundation, along with books, of our national cultural identity. That's the legacy of the era of mass media, now less mass and more social.

As much of a misfit as Holden considered himself, he was less so than, say, anyone not WASP or in the geography of New York at the center or New England at the farther reaches.

Maybe it's not all "a lot of crap" as he might say. Here is a blog post from Holden in the far future, of another gender and heritage, who may still have more in common with him than not, whose writing owes much to American publishing and mass media in the 20th century. I am the new Holden, afloat in the ether of my own publishing house, an astronaut in Aztlan, asking the same questions about identity asked by the old Holden. 

Lately I've been thinking about identity and labels and their purpose, not when it comes to birds or butterflies but people. Our human tendency to "us and them" both ourselves and others is a trait of most, if not all humans, but it bears examining.

What is the role of a label when it is applied to a group of people in a minority by a group of people in power in the majority? In a state like Texas, this question may take new meaning in a few years when people of Mexican heritage outnumber other groupings. 

But let's stick with the moment. It's important, first of all, to recognize the difference in meaning between "illegal" and "undocumented". No person on the Earth is illegal. 

Moving forward from that, there are modifiers and adjectives that apply to some people's identities but not others. Journalistically, non-identitification of rape victims has long been the practice in order protect the victim. In other countries, the name of a "shooter" in a mass shooting is not used to quell any moves for the killer's martydom. In a news story that is about a search for a suspect, I can see how ethnicity would help to identify someone. But in the case about an arrest, newsroom policy makers should ask, what is the purpose of labeling some people by their heritage or ethnicity? Does it satisfy curiosity or does it belie a reporter's confirmation bias or unexaminded prejudice?

Labels like Hispanic were said to be necessary in distinguishing among political groups as in the previous paragraph about Texas demographics. When President Richard NIxon's administration initiated the term Hispanic, it was used as a tool to simplify the labels for demographic groupings for the allocation of national funding. This tool may have outlived its purpose. Language is too important to leave to bureaucrats. 

Undocumented v. illegal. The use of "undocumented" is a normalizing and institutionalizing of respect we have for people's commonalities with us instead of their differences. 

Let's take a look at how prevalent labeling as other is in the entertainment industry. 
When on NBC's "Making It" reality series, a couple being married on the show was identified as Mexican, I listened carefully to their speech and when I heard them speak flawless English, I suspected they were as American as the hosts. Yet they were labelled, possibly even self-labeled, as Mexican for any number of reasons, possibly including respect. If so, shouldn't they have been labelled instead as American of Mexican heritage or cultural descent instead? Or why even label at all on an entertainment program working hard to be inclusive and kinder and gentler in their approach as the producers of "Making It"?

The 21st century Holden asks, "What's up with this?"  Did we begin to use the labeling tool on people, at first for one purpose and continue using it even after new and better tools evolved for appropriating funds (using economic information or income levels for example)?  

Shouldn't we ask if the tool of labeling people other than by citizenship serves an unintended and dangerous purpose of dividing and furthering the cause of "us and them"? 

And Holden's question, "What's up with this?" is just the kind of no-nonsense, awoke sentiment needed now, when we desperately need "all of us" to move forward.

"What's up with this?" is a good question. "What do we do about it?" comes next and is certainly more important.  


 

Moonlight, lonely highway, tall stories -Communication is what makes us human: More tips for thinking, writing and speaking in a world of quicksand communications

96. Storytelling on night drives.	The lights are dim, we’re in our seats and we are all ears. There are fewer spaces more conducive to conversation than a long road trip, especially at night. In the darkness and with the rhythm of the tires on the roadway, we are in a cocoon kind of stage with a captive audience. I’ve enjoyed the best stories with family members and friends in cars on long drives.
97. Porches, campfires and long walks.	See the firefly! Feel the breeze. Poke the embers around on the campfire. There are comfortable silences. Then, one story from someone will prompt another person to tell their’s. And so turns the planet, now and from the time when we climbed down from the trees. Being outdoors at night brings out the latent storyteller in many of us. Nature reminds us that, like Archie Bell and the Drells of Houston, Texas, we don’t only sing and dance, we tell stories and listen to them as well.
98. What’s a story?	Stories are a multipurpose tool. They can teach or tickle, entertain or perplex us. They tell others who we are and what we have learned. They contain the past and the present. They are a gift to the listener and the person who remembers aloud.
99. Children and stories.	The smartphone may be a great baby sitter but it doesn’t smile, encourage or ask questions like mama and papa. The sweetest sounds I’ve ever heard are the cooing conversations a parent has with their infant. From the cradle through soccer practice and college graduation, kids need to hear and practice conversations and storytelling.
100. Ask questions like “what” instead of “why”.	We generally learn lots more by asking ourselves, “What is it that is going on, or what is it I feel like before I attack the bowl of m&m’s?” rather than “Why do I eat too many m&m’s?”

-->

The Rules On Cellphone Use --Communication is what makes us human: More tips for thinking, writing and speaking in a world of quicksand communications

91. The phone booth effect.	“I’m in a crowd of people, so I’ll scream out our private conversation so everyone can hear, okay?”  Something mysterious happens sometimes when we answer a call on our cell phone in a group of people. We often raise our voices unnecessarily and broadcast to everyone our conversation. Just because you can't hear doesn't mean your cell mate can't hear you. Keep your conversation from being overheard and also disturbing others by moderating your voice, moving to another place if possible or limiting the length.
92. Cell phone etiquette rule#1	People do need your undivided attention. When you are able, put your phone deep in your purse or pocket and be fully engaged for the child, teacher, clerk, or candlestick maker. Keep in mind that there is an addictive joy to receiving a text or new message. How you manage the cell phone and its charms has an important effect on the people beside you.
93. Cell phone etiquette rule#2	You have the greatest idea and want to share it immediately! Remember when you call your friend to ask, “Is this a good time to talk?” “Do you have a minute?” Recognize that your urgency to talk may not correspond with what is going on with the person you are calling. It’s good to allow them to let you know they are driving or busy and need to make arrangements for a later call.
94. Cell phone etiquette rule#3	The technology in our purse or pocket is chock full of attractions and interest. Keep in mind the phone’s apps make money with our attention, so the more we use them, the more money they make. Keep in mind that our lives and goals for ourselves and for our families are infinitely more important than the goals of a tin can tool and its profits. We require one to one conversations in person, time, silence, calm, reflection and careful thought and questioning. Use the tool, don’t let it use you.
95. Cell phone etiquette rule#4	What are you missing out in the real world when you are focused deep into your cell phone or other device? Find out with a little experiment. Plan your next face-to-face conversation with another person without your cellphone near you. Do you notice your face to face conversation is more relaxed and that you enjoy it more? Students who tried this in my class reported deeper conversations resulted when the phone was out of sight.  Be intentional or thoughtful of your cell phone use whether you are alone or with others.

-->

Communication is what makes us human: More tips for thinking, writing and speaking in a world of quicksand communications

86.Design meetings or gatherings to  include everyone.	The dreaded meeting or party full of people we haven't met. Meeting a group of people for the first time can be expansive instead of limiting, if the group is organized around a theme, such as a celebration or learning goal with regular opportunities for both whole and small group conversation. We humans need a balanced diet of human interaction and contact. There is something about being part of a herd or tribe that appeals to our instincts. A larger gathering, for example 15-25 people in a party or classroom has a dynamic of its own, giving us a wide range of ideas to consider that is different than a one-to-one conversation that has its own qualities.
87. Organize a larger group meeting for optimum efficiency.	Besides starting and ending on time and having a shared agenda, there are ways to increase participation and variety to make for a more interesting event:  Ask participants to move to find a person they haven’t met and sit with them for a brief meet and greet. Or, ask participants to discuss a question or topic in a group of four and report out to the full group.
88. Tell me a story!	Plan a social gathering with friends or family around a conversation or story-telling prompt. Instead of bringing gifts to a party, ask your guests to bring a story to share. No one should be pressured, but if a person wants to share, here is their chance and everyone learns a bit more about them. Think of a prompt such as “What’s the scariest thing that’s ever happened to you?” “Who in your life has influenced you the most?” “Tell about a time when you learned not to believe everything you think?”
89. Storytelling is not only for kids.	I had known and liked  Chuck for over two years before he became a close friend. That happened the evening he told our supper club a story about growing up and learning to cook in his grandmother’s East Texas farm kitchen. I remember thinking "I really got to know him tonight!"  He told the story with his whole heart and shared with us his affection for his family and the part of his life that informed his life as a wonderful chef and later as a caring and helpful nutritionist.
90. Be interested as well as interesting.	Super if you are both, really! Time alone will tell if you become an interesting person, but you can ensure that people will find you to be interested. Most of us feel happy to respond to a person who asks to learn more about us. Listen to others as they introduce themselves or start a conversation. Ask a question to learn more. Developing the art of being a good conversationalist pays huge dividends for both the speaker and the listener.

-->

Communication is what makes us human: More tips for thinking, writing and speaking in a world of quicksand communications

81. Let’s be honest, in tortillas as in all things, it's all in the timing.	When you flip a tortilla over depends on whether the entire surface has cooked sufficiently. Telling someone a truth is like cooking a tortilla. It’s all in the timing. Your friend is walking around with his pant’s fly open. Let him know in a discreet manner. Your friend’s wife is seeing someone else. Your desire to be honest is admirable, but consider carefully before proceeding. Keep in mind that honesty, like charity, begins at home. Ask yourself if you know without a doubt that this is true? If it is, ask yourself if telling your friend is helpful or hurtful. Take time to listen for the answer.
82. Honesty is the best policy, yet check to see if she's at home first.	Are we being truthful with ourselves? That’s not even possible to know, but we can try to be. The trick to knowing if we are on being honest is deep within our inside self. Give yourself a quick call. Take a breath and feel your gut or heart, your appendix or your soul. Listen for your answer: If you feel open, settled and clear, you are on the right path. An unsettled, blurry response full of static and unease means we need more information and time. Be patient, your call will be answered in the time your heart is ready to respond.
83. Ask for guidance for successful gardening of grace and gratitude.	A mom friend of mine was reprimanding her 7 and 9 year old kids for misbehavior when one of them defended herself by saying, “But, Mama, we’re just little kids!” This story stuck with me because most of us could stand to remember to ease up on others as well as ourselves. We are not supposed to do it all perfectly or without receiving help from others. Asking for help from those we trust is like a plant receiving sunlight. That’s how we learn and grow. We delight in a joy of being a part of it all, where we live and also the people and places we may never see.
84. We don’t know what we can do until we try.	There’s plenty of doubt to paddle your boat through in any project you undertake.  The journey and process is often more valuable than the end we are rowing toward. Keep in mind you’re never alone in your boat. Each and every one of our ancestors were survivors. Their strength and efforts accompany us as we push forward with our little ball of sparkles and mud.
85. We’re makers.	85. We come from a long line of makers, problem-solvers and solution finders. We wouldn’t be here without their go-find-an-answer-to-this-problem-attitude. What are you making with your hands and creativity today? You may not find support for your efforts in the media that rewards your consumption of stuff that you pay them your money for. You can always find support for what you make inside you, where the spark of creativity is ever kindled.

-->